Jerri Shankler — Page 5 — Step out of the Addiction Drama

I couldn’t say it any better myself!

June 24, 2009 by jerrishankler

I am using this article with permission. I often tell clients that they teach people how to treat them. I explain that by accepting someone else’s inappropriate behaviors, we reinforce that behavior. Sometimes we don’t like to hear it, but knowing it can empower us to
grow, to effect change in relationships, and generally feel more at peace.

You Teach People How to Treat You
March 2nd, 2007 by Christine Kane
I was in Web Guy’s office a few weeks ago. He was having a moment of overwhelm about his client list. He talked about how some of his clients call on the weekends and late at night, and how many people don’t honor his schedule. He was frustrated and exhausted.

I allow people their moments of frustration in situations like this. So I listened. But seeing as how I also like to offer a more empowered perspective, I told him about a great thing I learned many years ago. It’s a fundamental truth that has served me (and those with whom I work and play) immensely. It is this:

You teach people how to treat you.

As soon as I said this, his eyes lit up. He couldn’t believe how simple it was. And the more we talked, the more excited he got. (I refrained from calling him “grasshopper.”)

The first time I ever heard this concept was when I saw Oprah in Raleigh, NC years ago. She presented this idea. Then she partnered it with another truth. She said (in that “Sistah!” way that she does when she’s being funny) “…and giiiiirl, when someone shows you who they are… bee-LEEVE them the FIRST TIME!” (She repeated this one a lot. She was talking about abusive relationships.)

So, what does it mean?

You teach people how to treat you means that it all comes back to you. It’s up to you to allow or not allow certain treatment. It also means that you have to first get clear about how you want to be treated. It means that you have to take responsibility enough to write your own owner’s manual. And you are accountable for living by your owner’s manual. For some of us, it may be the very first time we ever even gave this any thought.

(Remember that accountability and responsibility have nothing to do with blame. They are an entirely different energy and intent than blame. Blame seeks to shame and belittle. Responsibility seeks to un-victim you.)

There are lots of levels to this. For instance, when I began working with this idea, I spent time writing down basic guidelines, like, “I do not allow people to yell at me. I do not allow verbal abuse.” These days, I don’t need these kinds of guidelines because I’ve simply absorbed my own owner’s manual, and I don’t have to think about it. I’m very clear about who I am in almost every situation in my life. That has come from practicing this stuff and messing up a few times too! (And to add a little Law of Attraction note to the end of it — now, I no longer even attract some of these issues that used to be everywhere in my world!)

Bottom line: You teach people how to treat you means that you’re clear. And that you honor that clarity.

Teach People How to Treat You: The Four Steps

1 – Start by Knowing What You Want (and What You Don’t Want)

This a great writing exercise. Write what you want. Pick an area of your life where you feel like you’re not being treated well. Write down how you’d like to be treated. If you can’t think of what you want, then write about what you don’t want.

I typically don’t recommend focusing on what you don’t want. However, sometimes what you don’t want is a great starting point to clarity. For instance, when I first began to apply this work to my performance dates, I knew that I no longer wanted to stay in rooms or hotels that scared me. (You’d be amazed at how often promoters put musicians in the worst dives imaginable. I was teaching promoters how to treat me.) Several times, I had to ask the promoter of a show to move my hotel. Eventually, I made my contract rider very clear about what I wanted in a hotel room.

Depending on your situation, you’ll have some obvious beginning points. If you’ve been in abusive relationships, then start with “I do not allow people to abuse me.” If you’re tired of people wasting your time by calling you up to relate the latest office drama, you might write, “I don’t allow people to gossip in my presence.” For some of my readers, these ideas will be no-brainers. But you might be surprised at how many of us allow these kinds of interactions to occur in our lives.

If you’re like Web Guy and you’re learning to teach clients how to treat you, then start by writing a “Client Guide.” Write down exactly how you want your clients to deal with you. Then write some Company Guidelines to give to new clients before they pay you anything. Get clear at the start. As I wrote in Business Advice for Artists and Sensitive People, so many of us just hire people or take clients without any clarity. We just hope that the “connection” stays in tact.

2 – Learn from your Current Situation

Ask yourself how you’ve allowed certain behavior from others in your life. Take one situation where you’re tempted to see yourself as a victim, or where you feel mistreated. Ask yourself how you allowed this to happen. You’ll be amazed at how often you may have ignored your own needs or desires.

Often, this process lets you know where you get triggered or hooked. For instance, you might find yourself saying, “Well, he makes me feel guilty if I don’t do it his way!” Bingo. There’s your trigger. The guilt. Acknowledge that you still allowed it. Maybe you allowed it begrudgingly, but you allowed it so that you could avoid feeling guilty. Then, recognize that guilt is going to be something that makes you want to ignore your own owner’s manual. This is a valuable thing to know about yourself.

In my hotel room example, I recognized that I had allowed years of unacceptable treatment on the road because I had such a fear of making waves. In one scenario, when I told the promoter I wanted my hotel changed, she retorted, “Everyone stays there! No one has ever complained before!” And I could feel myself shrinking. “But all the kids are doing it!” has been a trigger for me. (So has, “You’re lucky to even have a gig!”) But because I had gotten clear that “I don’t stay in hotels that scare me,” I was able to honor my needs in that situation.

3 – Honor It and Practice It

Here’s the deal: This is a process, not an event.

There’s a learning curve to this. It’s not a one-time thing. It’s not just suddenly telling a client not to call after hours. When you’ve taught people how to treat you one way, it might take some time to change that pattern.

It might start with you letting a client know that you’ve set a new intent to spend more time with your children, and that you won’t be available for calls on the weekend. Maybe the client calls anyway. Maybe you get hooked in by the guilt. Then you feel awful afterwards, and you feel angry at that client. This just means that you need to get clear again. So, you let that client know again not to call on weekends, and that you’d like her to honor your request. You don’t have to get emotional about it. In fact, the less you get sucked in by your emotions, the better this works.

Note: Try not to communicate when you’re in a highly charged emotional state. When you’re in this state, you’re probably not teaching people how to treat you. You’re probably blaming them and making yourself into the victim. Wait until you get calm, then start at step #2 (”How did I allow this?”) and take the necessary course of action to right the situation.

Remember that this stuff takes practice and self-awareness. It is not a process of emotion. It’s a process of clarity. (And mastery!)

4 – Teach Yourself How to Treat You When That’s the Only Choice

Not everyone is going to honor your requests or your clarity. And sometimes it’s going to have to be you who treats you well. If we go back to my hotel room example, there have been times where contractually, I didn’t have much of an option in terms of getting a better hotel room. And so, I ended up paying for my own room and driving myself to a better hotel. “I don’t stay in hotel rooms that scare me” means that I don’t allow it. Period. If I don’t honor that, then I won’t feel safe with me. It has always made me happy and proud to get my own room when I needed to. You have to include yourself in this equation. If you’ve told your clients that you don’t take non-emergency calls on weekends, then you might not want to make business calls on weekends. This is how you learn to honor yourself.

And Now, for the Scary Part…

I wrote a post about taking risks a few weeks ago. Lots of times we think of taking risks, and we think about big ideas like moving to another city, starting a business, or leaving a bad relationship. But the longer I do this work, the more my risk-taking has become internal. Yes, there are big external material risks at times. (Every time I make a CD I’m taking a risk!) But these days, some of the internal risks are the scariest, because they call me to be true to myself and to honor my boundaries and my intentions. That’s where lots of us forget to stay in risk-taking mode.

The biggest risk involved in teaching people how to treat you is the risk that some of them might go away. Some friends might not call you anymore. Some clients might leave. In my situation, I might simply not get the performance date. You have to be willing to surrender those things that aren’t in alignment with how you want to be treated. They necessarily must go away. And the test is to let them.

One of the things that keeps you hanging on to them is a belief in lack. A belief that there’s not enough. There aren’t enough jobs, clients, gigs, men, women, whatever. And one of the best ways to find out that there are more than enough of these things is to be brave and selective, live by your values and standards, and watch what you do attract. You might be scared. But you won’t be disappointed.

Filed Under: relationships, risks, self-awareness Tagged With: empowered, relationships

Empowerment through choice

April 23, 2009 by jerrishankler

It’s about choice. Especially when it comes to mental health care. We have become captives of our health plans, thinking that we can only choose from within the network. On the medical side, there are more choices, but not always when you get to specialists. On the mental health side, it gets even more complicated, which is a shame, since most folks seeking therapy, at least initially, are especially fragile and vulnerable.

To be an empowered consumer, you need to be informed. Know your benefits. If you aren’t sure, then call your insurance carrier, and ask questions. Some information you need know:

What is my coverage for mental health, inpatient and outpatient? Does this include family therapy?

What is my coverage for substance abuse and alcoholism treatment, inpatient and outpatient?

What level of therapist is covered: psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, licensed professional counselor, addictions counselor?

How many sessions per year? Is there a lifetime maximum?

How are biologically based diagnoses covered?

Do I have out of network services to cover a therapist who is not in your network?

What is my deductible for in-network services? Out of network services?

What are my co-pays for in-network services? Out of network services? If it is a percentage, what does that translate into in dollars out of my pocket?

Do the sessions have to be pre-certified or pre-authorized? If so, how do I get more sessions authorized?

Some very good therapists are in the networks. Not all therapist are in all networks. Some are not in any network. It is not easy to pick a therapist. You have more choices than to have to pick a name from a list. Many people prefer to go to someone who has been recommended to them by a friend, co-worker or family member. That therapist may not be in your network, but may be the best fit for you. That’s about choice, and about empowerment. And sometimes, we need to pay a little extra for the choices and empowerment. It is almost always worth it.

Filed Under: health, Therapy and counseling

Energy and more

April 16, 2009 by jerrishankler

There is so much to learn out there; it’s exciting but can be overwhelming also. How does one choose ? Certainly, intuitively or serendipitously make sense when talking about energy. Oh, I’m not talking about the kind you literally get from plugging into an electrical outlet or filling your car with gas. I’m talking about connecting with the energy all around us, the energy field. Whether you believe or not, it is out there.

I have a stack of books, read and to be read, by wonderful authors that deal with energy on every level: intuition, energy medicine, energy healing, Reiki, meditation, mindfulness, positive psychology and yoga, by authors like Judith Orloff; Daniel Amen; Daniel Goleman; Jon Kabat-Zinn and Rick Jarrow. The message overlaps in a many of these, but as a friend of mine once said, you can’t repeat a good thing enough.

I embrace these, not perfectly, but consistantly. I want to pass the good news on, and recommend books, and talk about ideas and concepts with my clients, friends and family. So, when Daniel Amen’s newsletter came in my email today, I read it with interest. He also introduced Judith Orloff’s new book, Emotional Freedom. Dr. Orloff is a psychiatrist and medical intuitive; I met her at the Kripalu center several years ago, and participated in her workshop being a medicial intuitive. And like many of the seminars and workshops we take, if we don’t actively do anything with the information, after about 2 weeks, that initial enthusiasm starts to fade away.

So serendipitously, she is back in my life, and since I am totally addicted to books, I will be ordering Emotional Freedom, and maybe the audio version for the car. I hope it is not violation to post this link on my blog, since I am still new to blogging, but I came across this while seaching for the best deal on the audiobook: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oyap0KBouP0&feature=channel_page

The question of absorbing other people’s energy, espeically negative energy comes up frequently in my practice. It is something that I am acutly aware of myself, and talk with my clients about. The simplest way we discuss it is talking about boundaries. Although the energy word doesn’t always come up, depending on the client, or the friend I am talking to, it is inherent in learning to establish boundaries; that is, the way we let others know how we wish to be treated. It’s how we present ourselves, what we project to others, and how we allow other to treat us. It’s being assertive, while being mindful and compassionate.

My blog is one way I hope to introduce this to others; to inform, to inspire. I am delighted to announce that I will begin offering “To Your Health Saturday Seminars” beginning in May at my office in Pine Brook, NJ. To find out more, contact me at jerri.shankler AT gmail.com. Insert @ for the AT when you type in the email address.

To Your Health!

Filed Under: EFT, energy, energy psychology, hypnosis, tapping, Uncategorized

Mindfulness and Multi-tasking

April 3, 2009 by jerrishankler

I wonder if you can use mindfulness and multi-tasking in the same sentance, or at the same time.

I thought I was a brilliant multi-tasker when I was listening to audiobooks while surfing on the web; maybe at first, but then I realized I had to keep backing up the audiobook to get the parts I missed. I found myself daydreaming or planning my next blog post or shopping list while doing other mundane tasks, like taking care of the rabbits.

Then, the other day, with an armload of empty rabbit water bottles, I missed a step down from the bunny porch, and hit the floor hard, twisting and spraining my foot in the process. What was I thinking about? Couldn’t tell you now, but it must have been important at the time. What I wasn’t doing was paying attention to what I was doing in the moment, not noticing where my feet were. I certainly wasn’t being spiritual, taking joy in the everyday tasks, or even being present for what I was doing. Lesson learned, I commit to being present where I am in the moment, and to be grateful for even the most mundane of tasks.

When I was in graduate school, one of the men in my class was, still is, a Tibetian monk. Just listening to him speak, or sitting near him was a calming experiencel. I remember him sharing that even for a monk, remembering to be mindful, slow and careful is challenging in New York City. So easy to get caught up in the moment and movement, and to forget what is important. Isn’t that espeically so with the so called mundane or daily tasks? Hurry up and get it done so that I can….can whatever else I really want to do.

I heard a story on NPR about teens who are multitasking with computer, email, texting and maybe phone at the same time. All those opportunities are there, but can you really do them all at the same time? Exactly at the same time?

So today’s suggestion is to be present in the moment, to focus on what you are doing and clear the other things from your mind. Finishing what you are doing is the goal before you start something else. And maybe redefine finishing. When I am sitting down to write and article, or weave at my loom, finishing may mean focusing on what I am doing for whatever the allotted time is. I may not finish that 15 foot rag rug runner before I get up from the loom, but I will have enjoyed the hour or so that I have sat at the loom, coming away feeling inspired and refreshed.

To your mental wellness!

Filed Under: Mindfulness, self-awareness, self-care

Psycho what?

March 9, 2009 by jerrishankler

Sometimes people ask me what I do. Often, when I say I am a therapist, they ask what kind of therapist: massage? physical? No, I tell me, psychotherapist. Ohhhhhhh, I see, they murmur, as they slowly back away from me. I think some people get hung up on the “psycho” part. And if they are saavy enough, they may ask my specialty. And when I say addictions, if I am lucky, I get a chuckle and a story; sometimes I am suddenly standing alone.

Okay, it’s not always that bad, but some folks do think that therapy is for crazy people. The politically correct term would be Mentally Ill. Mentall Illness occurs on a spectrum from mild to severe, but is not the only reason someone would seek out therapy. Problems with addictions is one reason, whether you are an addict or alcoholic looking to stop using, or a a family member who is affected by addiction in the family. A crisis or change in life circumstances is what brings many people in to therapy, where they can talk in a safe place, and develop emotional skills to bring their life back into balance.

Stress is a big reason someone might seek out psychotherapy. Life in general can be stressful, and techniques for dealing with stress make life easier. Just listening to the news today is especially stressful, to say nothing of talking to the neighbors and finding out who lost their job this week. And wondering if you are next. Or watching prices go up. Of worrying about the future for your children. Or just the overwhelming choices we face everyday, and to fit in all that we have committed to. What if you have a child, or spouse or good friend heading for Iraq or Afghanistan? And…..well, I am sure you can fill in the blank for yourself.

One tip for dealing with stress is to learn to breathe. No, I mean really breathe. We tend to be high chest breathers, somewhat shallow breathing. If you take yoga or meditation classes, you are introduced to breathing. You can learn to breathe deeply, more slowly, giving your body more oxygen when the blood flows. A few deep, slow breaths can clear you head, even energize you.

Don’t think you have the time? Make the time; it’s easier than you think. How about 5 minutes at your desk, instead of jumping up for a cup of coffee at break time, take off your shoes, sit back in your chair, drop your shoulders while you close your eyes and take in a deep breath. Slowly fill your lungs, count 1 to 5. Then slowly release the breath, counting back 5 to 1. Ahhhhhhhhh. Do that a few times, then open you eyes, put your shoes back on, and get on with the day.

Filed Under: Addiction, Therapy and counseling

Welcome to my office!

March 8, 2009 by jerrishankler

Last Monday was a snowy, winter wonderland in Northern NJ, again. A great day to snuggle in and prorastinate. Alas, now the snow is melted and spring is in the air,so there is no excuse to procrastinate. So without further ado, Welcome to my office!

This is the door of my main office; I do have a home office in Vernon, if you live in that area. The main office is located in Montville Twp, in the town on Pine Brook, NJ at 339 Changbridge Road. As you can see, I have a few partners, who offers a variety of services, including DBT, Holistic Health Counseling, and child psychology.

The waiting room is open and airy, and you can make yourself a cup of coffee or herbal tea while you wait. Waiting time is usually short, as I book one appointment every hour.

I am very excited that we recently expanded, which gave us a larger waiting area, and a nice sized multi-purpose room; where we offer group therapy, training and personal growth seminars and workshops.

Filed Under: Therapy and counseling

Keeping it simple

February 1, 2009 by jerrishankler

That is the best way I can think to start blogging. Just setting up a blog is exciting and a little overwhelming! So many options, so many directions, so many distractions!

So, to keep it simple, I’ll start with some basics about addiction and options and opportunities for moving into recovery.

As far a language and defintions, I will use the word addict to include those addicted to all drugs, including alcohol will strive to speak in gender neutral language.

One definition of addiction is the inabilty to stop using substances in spite of negative consequences. This can apply to self-destructive behaviors, such as gambling and overeating. The negative consequences generally continue to escalate, and the risks of continuing to use increase.

The concept of recovery also has many descriptions and definitions. Probably the simplest expectation is abstinence. A better description of recovery is the journey of getting and remaining abstinent, and is a more active experience. It is a time of enlightenment and joy, of struggle and self-acceptance. And a time when a support network is imperative.

A support network varies from person to person, but includes other sober and recovery people, family and friends. Friends and family often want to help and support, but don’t know how. They have their own recovery process, and need to learn more about addiction and recovery, the addict’s and their own.

Traditional recovery programs are 12-step based, and introduce addicts to 12-step recovery programs, such as AA and NA, to support their ongoing abstinence and recovery efforts. Other programs exist that are not 12-step based, and are often not in insurance networks; some are not in for good reasons, but others could benefit those for whom 12-step is not successful or of interest.

I fear this a somewhat heretical statement for me, as my initial training was in 12-step recovery programs. Over the years, I have seen many clients, in program and in my private practice succeed utilizing 12-step recovery programs. Others have not, for a variety of reasons. In the “old days” , these clients were told they were failures, that even if they were abstinent, they would fail if they did not embrace 12-step programs.; that they were “dry drunks.”Some did fail; other succeeded, and developed a solid pattern of abstinence, and a rewarding, successful life.

So which is the best approach? That varies from individual to individual. In my experience, the one factor that determines whether or not a person succeeds is a desire to do so. That is, that the person wants to recover. Can willpower alone do it? Maybe for some. It is more the concept of willingness, a willingness to do whatever it takes, to get on and stay on the path of recovery.