Running to distraction

May 19, 2011 by

Running too, running away, whatever. I feel a bit sheepish to admit that I would rather focus on something physical than the emotion roller-coaster I have been on this week.  Does that ever happen to you? Dang, and here I thought I was perfect, enlightened and cured! Process not event, process not event! Sometimes we trip over that wrinkle in the carpet, and get smacked back to reality and the next part of the personal journey.

So, the chimney on my fixer-upper house needs some serious attention. Waaaay serious. Way, way more serious than we originally thought. Fixable though. But one of those things that are easy to ignore, was easy to ignore til I saw that big hunk  missing. And admitted that the damp fiery smell was not normal.

Lou the chimney guy was up on the roof today, and got a good look at what you can’t see from the ground, even from a ladder.  The pitch of my roof is so steep that organic matter has been building up between the roof and the chimney so long that a little tree was growing there. There was actually some awesome compost up there, a few large flowerpots full. And there’s a fix for that, so it won’t happen after the chimney is repaired.

There is also a second flue that goes to nowhere, maybe a wood stove sometime in the long past, or the hopes of adding one downstairs that never got added. So we can seal that one up. And extend the chimney because it is way too short for the size of the fireplace. Since the chimney is at the back of the house isn’t a show piece anyhow, it can be done more economically with stainless steel. Yippee, something is going my way!

One of the things I did learn, if I allow myself to focus again, since the chimney is clearly well in the hands of the experts and on the mend, is that facing emotional issues is so unappealing.  But so necessary. I took out my coping tool bag, and started using the tools  I encourage my clients to use, the ones I teach them to fill their emotional emergency healing kits with.

  • I cried
  • I cried on my friends and my sister’s shoulders and got hugs and pats and encouraging words
  • I admitted I was human
  • I admitted that I needed help
  • I walked the dog
  • I talked
  • I journaled
  • I did something I loved: I sat down at my loom and wove, which leaves me peaceful
  • Every time the hurt started welling up into anger, I stopped and got quiet
  • I focused on doing something that was not self-destructive
  • I made myself eat, and sleep and took special care dressing
  •  I talked some more
  • I used Reiki on myself, and some visioning and hypnosis
  • I did allow myself to get angry, to admit it. Not rageful, but angry, ouch, it hurt. And I thought the anger wouldn’t go away, and I’ll be darned if it didn’t start ebbing away when I admitted it, gave it voice, honored it. I did not need to act out in a vicious way. Ok, maybe a few snarky remarks to the offenders, but even that has melted away.
  • I had to do many of those things over and over again, when I really wanted to do one and be cured. One time walking the dog, one journal entry and magically gone. Nope, reality is I sometimes had to use a tool only 15 minutes after getting some relief from that tool or another.

It worked, it does work, and I am humbler and stronger for it. As someone who means a great deal to me once said: “Another f-king opportunity for growth.”

I wish you gift of knowing that if you use the tools when you need to, then you will grow.

Filed Under: self-awareness, self-care

Are You Codependent?

May 16, 2011 by

I sure am! Ouch! Here I thought I had mastered my codependency years ago. What a rude surprise, it’s a lifelong process not an event.

So, in listening to this spiritual message, in my continuing quest for balance in my life, I am using the tool of Mindfulness to observe my behaviors. Without judgement, without expectation, without needing to change it in a knee jerk response. Yes, it’s a tall order, but I know what’s on the other side of that: healthy behaviors, no built up resentments for not being noticed or appreciated, no unrealistic expectations of myself and others, and gradual changes that are more likely to last. Did I mention boundaries, not walls? Did I mention a reminder that life is a process, not an event; that not all “nice” behaviors are codependent.

What makes a “nice” behavior into a codependent behavior? Holding on to an expectation that you will get something back for being nice. Love, appreciation, changes in someone else’s behavior, martyrdom…get the picture?

So does that mean I cut everyone off and become angry and closed and never do anything for anyone ever again. No, just that I observe my behaviors, not every moment, but trigger behaviors. When I start to do something for someone without first asking would they like me to do it. That’s one of my weaknesses, fixing, doing magic if I see someone in pain or imagine they are in pain.  That I take on some else’s issue, like not asking for money that is owed to me, or overpaying my 1/3 of the office bills, since I don’t have the same expenses as the other 2.

And number one, to remember that I don’t have to do this alone. Yes, I need to take the action, but I can talk about the process, I can ask for feedback, I can let some support me, cheer me on and celebrate my progress and successes with me.

Filed Under: Co-dependency, Co-dependent, Mindfulness, self-awareness

Great excuse

March 13, 2011 by

Maybe not. I always end up reading a few stories when I go to download the LA Times crossword puzzle on Sunday. Today I was gobsmacked. I can’t think of another word to describe the story about Charlie Sheen and morals.

Basically, the story says that there was a time when stars would be dropped by the studios if they did not abide by morals clauses, that in the day, included out of control drug use. OK, I can understand the need for balance between the studios owning a person, and good judgement.  Alcoholism and drug addiction are now classified as diseases, but there is treatment. Although there are many ways to get there, the treatment, the cure is abstinence. And that starts with mindset. Oh, and consequences.

Many recovering, abstinent and sober folks might admit that if there no consequences, they might pick up their drug of choice again. Consequences is a whole other post, an article, an e-book even.  Maybe I don’t know the whole story with Charlie Sheen, but I’ve been working with addicts and alcoholics for over 25 years, so I have an idea of the patterns and excuses.  I just heard (read) a new one: he says he was sober 5 years and bored out of his mind. He’s a partying kind of guy (paraphrasing here), so sobriety isn’t authentic.

After I picked my jaw up off the ground, I busted out laughing. I guess the public displays of the legal consequences of his drinking and drugging are authentic. Hmmm, might just be me, but I don’t think I’d want to admit that kind of spectacular behavior is my authentic self.  Just saying.

and returning to the scene of the crime several weeks later……

So it got even more spectacular, as I, and I’m guessing many of you, watched the Charlie Sheen train hurdling out of control. Really, it was like passing a bad accident: I didn’t want to look, but I just couldn’t help myself.

Then I saw a wonderful and compassionate commentary about the whole thing.  I wish I could remember the bloggers name, I’d share it in a minute. He even posted a clip from Craig Ferguson’s show about not getting on the bandwagon with Charlie Sheen jokes. The blogger also reminded readers that Charlie has a family that is suffering.  And I’m paraphrasing, but he asked readers to think how much it would mean to them to have helping, compassionate hands reaching out to them if they were in trouble.  Kind of like holding the healing space when the addict or mentally ill person is ready to accept it.

May compassion and healing guide you to be strong when you need to be and loving always.

Filed Under: Addiction, family, mental illness, Politically incorrect

Breaking out and opening up

February 21, 2011 by

Yes, it’s been a while, a time of transition (therapist use of self as model for healing).  Lots has been happening to my mindset as I learn about good business practices, marketing (gasp), and creating a business plan and direction for my therapy and coaching practice. And haven’t I just been thrilled with all the warts I’ve noticed about myself during the process (NOT!).  It has been necessary, and in the end, empowering.

Often ,we get signs and signals from Great Spirit, or Higher Power or the Cosmos, whomever you conceptualize. Today I got a message that really sums up the past 6 months: Breaking out and opening up.

The message itself was a little amusing and a little frustrating. It’s Sunday, and I had to go to the grocery store. Of course, there are long lines, and some flaring tempers.  The cashier picked up my plastic container of organic eggs, and the container popped open and launched an egg. She looked up at the line queuing at her register, and asked if I wanted her to get me another container of eggs.  I offered to run for the eggs while she bagged the rest of my order. 

I came back and put my prize in a bag and checked out. By the time I got to the car, this container had popped open, but the bag caught the eggs, and none were lost. Instead of grumbling, since I already had a bad enough day with an earlier migraine, I stopped, saw the eggs weren’t broken, but them back into the container and took a breath.

Now I could wonder why they were in plastic rather than a paper carton, since there were, after all organic eggs; I could notice that it looks like the container might have been previously opened and not closed correctly, although you can see all that all the eggs are intact without opening plastic container, as opposed to a paper carton (hmmmmmm!).  I chose, instead to stop, take a breath, and wonder what the message might be in two egg containers opening:  Breaking out and opening up. Which is exactly what I have been preparing to do for the past 6 months, personally and professionally. And here I thought I was just stuck.

Do you ever feel stuck? Like you are paralyzed, or spinning your wheels?  Here are a few helpful tips to deal with it:

1. Stop, take a breath

2. Be gentle with yourself; beating yourself up will only paralyze you further

3. Ask for help! Find a therapist or a coach who can help you identify what is keeping you stuck. Then help you develop a plan. Sometimes, therapy will help you get to the bottom of the obstacle and no amount of coaching will. Sometimes, a good coach and a good plan will get you in the flow.

Here’s to moving forward and creating a life worth living!

Filed Under: Mindfulness, self-awareness

ACK! Where does the time go?

August 14, 2010 by

Are you like me? Do you have all these great ideas that stay in your head but don’t get down on paper or onto your blog? What holds you back? Do you procrastinate, are you shy, too busy or disorganized?

I find that I have my greatest ideas driving to work, a somewhat lengthy commute of about 45 minutes. Or just as I drift off to sleep. Drat!

Here are two ideas that I am committing to do. Not try, you don’t try you do or you don’t do.

  • put my journal and a pen and sharpened pencil on my nightstand
  • use a digital recorder in the car

I am also getting a coaching buddy to help me with some other projects. I want to have ideas to make the best use of our time, and recording the ideas will have me prepared to develop my action plans, instead of looking all over for my ideas. I feel pretty strongly about my ideas, it the action where I need the support.

So, how about you? Who is your support? When will you start organizing you ideas so you will take ACTION!

Filed Under: healthy habits

Spring Cleaning

June 6, 2010 by

Although it has been near 90 degrees several days here in NJ, it is still officially spring. Good thing, since I still have tons of spring cleaning to do before summer. Then I look around at all the tasks I have been putting off, and I want to hop back into bed and pull the covers up over my head and hope the fairies will come in and magically do it all for me. Can you relate?

So I decided to act like a grown-up, and pick a place to start. I did hear the bed calling, but I persisted. I started with my cell phone, actually Blackberry. I’ve only had it a few months, and there is a lot to learn about it. Like how to set it up to sync with my Outlook calendar and address book. It’s been a great learning experience, and frustrating too. Who are all these people? And how come some of them are in there twice, no, three, wait, FOUR times??????

I glued myself to the chair, and went through each entry, deleting all the duplicates and unknowns.  The process of getting the phone numbers from the old phone to the Blackberry was somewhat complicated, as I had to do it via Outlook. Which resulted not only in phone numbers but email contacts as well. I think I finally have the sync setting worked out, and the “device” cleared of what doesn’t belong there. First sync since the clean-up seems to have worked.

Go figure, I had been avoiding that one for, well, months. It took the better part of two hours, and was so worth the investment of my time.  The key was FOCUS:

First I set the goal: clean up the contact list so that I didn’t have to spend so much time searching for the number I was looking for

Second, I thought about how things would be after I completed the task: created a clear vision.

Third, I committed to the task. I ignored the breakfast dishes, and pushed back thoughts about the new audio book I just checked out from the library and the 2 yards left I have to weave on an exchange project.  I went through the contacts one at a time, and avoided trying to figure out how to select and delete several entries at a time.  As I reached the last sip of coffee in my cup, I realized I was already on “s” with only a few more letters to go. In a few more minutes, I had completed the goal!

Yippee! Celebration!

I feel lighter! I feel proud! I feel inspired!

I feel energized enough to move onto the next task. I will not think so hard about which one should be the priority. I will take the next one that makes me feel weighed down. Probably the breakfast dishes. And after two smaller successes, I think I will have the energy to weave some of that yardage, which is actually relaxing. Maybe not what I should be doing when there are rabbit cages to clean and the entryway to paint.  I’m thinking if I ignore the should and celebrate with a relaxing, fun activity, I will have renewed energy for the not so fun ones.

What do you think?

Filed Under: clearing clutter, goals

Time to calm down

April 1, 2010 by

And enjoy! It was a lovely day today, started a little chilly, but warmed beautifully as the day progressed. I live in NJ, and things have been more than a little damp here. Of course I forgot about that when I flew off to the office today, and had to detour around my usual route, which floods readily and easily. On a hot summer day, the water, well, swamp I guess, is on both sides of that road, and the water is always nearly at the road anyhow, so it doesn’t take too much rain to allow it to flow over the road.  More rain leaves it impassable to cars. 

Then there’s the cresting rivers a few days after the rain, which leaves some roads that had been passable suddenly closed.  My office is surprisingly close to a river, I believe a part of the Passaic (note to self to check on that one).  Today, the road was open, but I wonder if it will still be by Saturday. Two rains ago, the flooding was worse after the rain stopped; hence my quick education on cresting rivers. You’d think I’d have known that by now; oh well.

Although my home was not in an area that was under water, it is built into a hill. The ground became so saturated over the past few weeks, that some water did seep into the basement. I felt very grateful that I could manage it with towels, lots of towels, a mop and 2 dehumidifiers.  It was more like a huge puddle, and didn’t flow onto anything that wasn’t safely living in plastic tubs already.

This is, of course, to the hypnotherapist, a wonderful bounty of metaphor opportunities.  Emotions, especially anger, can just keep building up, hiding underground so that you don’t see them, don’t realize they are there until they leak in, eventually even flooding in.  Self-care is so important at these times.  Addiction treatment talks about HALT, being hungry, angry, lonely and tired as a trigger to relapse. That is so true, and being mindful helps one take the actions when they recognize any or all of these symptoms. The actions of talking to others; meditation; nutrition and watching caffeine and sugar intake; taking your medication if indicated; exercise or yoga are only a few of the options.

What if, however, you haven’t recognized the anger yet? Your ground is saturated, but you don’t see/feel it yet.  Do you need to wait until it leaks in? Floods over your road? Do you need to wait until you become angry, rageful, hopeless, self-destructive?  Absolutely not!  As you learn to live mindfully, some other thoughts may begin to occur to you; you notice what is going on around you. You notice your emotional rain, from the very first drop. You remember that the ground, your ground, can only hold so much before it becomes saturated. You remember that the rivers get full, flood even, then a few days later, when it seems they should be receding, they crest and may flood again.  Unlike the weather, we can intervene when we feel the first emotional drops of rain. We can prevent the ground from getting oversaturated, the river from cresting.  Or, we can wait with an armload of towels and a head full of every alternate route to get where we want to go.  How will you choose to live your life?

Filed Under: Mindfulness, nutrition, self-awareness, self-care

It’s a family dis-ease

March 27, 2010 by

I have seen some examples recently that remind me how much families are affected by mental illness and addiction.  The family intentionally or unintentionally does a dance around the mental illness sufferer or addict.  This is often labeled as enabling, but I have found it to be exacerbated by the lack of education, intervention, support and resources for the family members.

In some cases, the “identified patient” (IP) , the addict or severely mentally ill person has declined treatment, or will not comply with treatment recommendation such as AA, abstinence, therapy and/or medications.  Many families do not know what to do that this point, where to turn, who to ask. Families of addicts are told to attend Al-anon or Nar-anon and “work on themselves.” This is a very good recommendation, but they often need more: education, options, resources, coaching. Sometimes, they just want to ask questions like what can the addicted person expect in treatment? In AA or NA? What will change for them and us if our “IP”  takes medication, or gets sober or whatever.  A professional if better prepared to answer these questions more objectively and help the family develop a game plan, goals and initiate self-care whether or not the IP is getting treatment.

Even when the “IP” is getting treatment, family members feel left out or that they are walking on eggshells. They do not know if they can ask questions, let alone what questions to ask and how to ask them. They are reluctant to express their own concern and feelings, even optimism.  This is especially true of families with young adults who still live at home. They may understandably want to limit the family’s ability to “butt” in by not signing releases of information. At the very time the family can help, the young adult, addict or mentally ill, will decide to exert their independence.  I’m not talking about crashing boundaries here, but understanding how to communicate and realizing how all family members are affected. In fact, it is often a time to establish or reestablish boundaries, and redefine private vs. secret. It’s a time to visualize mental illness into mental wellness.

Yes, family members do need to do things to take care of themselves, but they often desperately want to know how to help the IP, and don’t want to be told to” butt out, it’s their problem. ” If they can learn healthy ways to help and support the IP while taking care of themselves, the process is less painful.

In response to this need, I will be launching my Recovery Coaching products and services over the next few months. In short, the goal is to teach families how to recover from the impact of addiction or mental illness in their family. How to return to or create equilibrium. How to set goals as a family and as individuals that promote health and a peaceful spirit.

Additionally,  many recovering addicts/alcoholics get to a point in their recovery when they no longer need therapy, but need help to envision the next step in their life journey. They may need to work on certain areas within their recovery that do not get addressed in 12-step meetings, such as mindfulness, nutrition, “secondary” addictive behaviors such as food or love.

So what can you do today? Well, you just did something by reading this post.

What else? Talk to the “IP” in your family, and simply remind them “I love you and I care about you.”

How about telling yourself: “I love you and I care about you.”

Start to learn about mindfulness: Take a few moments to sit quietly and focus on where you are in the moment. Notice where you are sitting, what is around you. Observe or witness your thoughts: who are you thinking about and how does that change when you sit quietly and simply breathe. Close your eyes, count 5-4-3-2-1 slowly, then open your eyes.  You may be surprised and delighted how centering and refreshing a mini-mind-vacation can be.

To your mental wellness!

Filed Under: health, mental illness, Mindfulness, Recovery, self-care

Who’s the problem with your healthcare?

March 12, 2010 by

Probably that would be the insurance company. I have been on hold for 10 minutes now, 10 minutes that I could be doing something else productive; 10 minutes that I could be doing some research or treatment planning for you. But no, I have to stay on the phone to beg for 6 or 8 sessions from the insurance company to help you.  And this is when you opt to use your out of network benefits, which you pay more for: you have a higher co-payment every session.

The insurance company will do it ‘s best to get information from me to justify your treatment; meaning, they don’t trust the therapist who is sitting right across from you to judge what might help you best. I know this, I worked for CIGNA a number of years ago. I finally got so appalled by what I had to ask, and how I was unable to authorize treatment that I had to leave. And take a pretty big pay cut. That should tell you something. (PS, I have been on hold for 17 that’s SEVENTEEN minutes now).

So here’s the point: Members need to speak up to the insurance companies and to their Human Services Departments. Probably a little more calmly than I did to Rosa, who took my clinical information and was somewhat insulted that I asked what her credentials were.  The price of your coverage goes up at whatever rate the insurance companies deem; oh, and your co-pays usually go up as the price of your coverage goes up, and often, covered services decrease.

I heard on NPR  a few weeks ago some excerpts from hearing about Blue Cross Blue Shield in CA. I was so shocked that the insurance company representative speaking could report with a straight face that her salary with in the millions, with just her bonuses in the $750,000 range. Is it the actual health care that costs, or the administration of it?

Filed Under: health, health insurance

Rogue therapist raves again!

February 5, 2010 by

That’s it, I will have to change the name of my blog. Or stop listening to the radio and watching TV.

So, in spite of my better judgement, I’m watching the news to get a hint about the upcoming storm of the century.  Not that the weather predictions have been all that accurate, but that’s OK, I’m not much of an alarmist. I live in New Jersey. It gets cold here. It snows here. But I should have turned off the TV after the forecast, before the story about vitamin infused Vodka. Oh for Pete’s sake, who the Hell thought that one up? To reduce hangovers? I’m thinking drinking less is what reduces hangovers. But hey, I’ve only been an addictions counselor for 23 years, and done my own research before that. What would I know?

Filed Under: Alcoholism, healthy habits
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