This is a question that I get asked frequently. I have posted about this before, and it is such an important question, that I realized that I need to comment about it often.

Families and friends of addicts and alcoholics rarely come to me to ask for help for themselves. They are worried about someone else’s use of drugs and alcohol on that person. It doesn’t take much for them to start sharing about how the addict or alcoholic’s behavior is affecting them and the rest of the family.

As the addict (seemingly) goes blissfully about the business of using, the rest of the family feels that their life is turned upside down and inside out:

• They walk on eggshells, either to not upset the addict, or not upset other family members.
• They aren’t sleeping
• They are overeating or not eating
• They are developing illnesses and emotional issues
• Their finances are affected
• Their own work or school performance is suffering
• They worry the addicted person will die

Family members and friends seem shocked when I tell them “Help Yourself First!” I remind them of the instructions on the airplanes. You know, the one that says put your oxygen mask on first then help others; even (and especially) if you are traveling with small children, put your mask on first so you don’t pass out before you can help them. Those few precious seconds can save both (or all) of you.

So I ask them questions about themselves. It’s not why they think they came to me, but it is so important. In order to develop the plan they need to address the addiction, we need to explore their values, their knowledge about alcoholism and drug addiction; their strengths, hopes and fears.

Then we move into the story about the addicted person. What is their (his/her) Age, relationship, do they live in the home, what is their level of functioning as a student, employee, parent, child, spouse, and friend? Have they had treatment before? Was it considered successful or completed? What was the family’s involvement in any treatment?

.With the popularity of the TV show “Intervention” some people think that a “formal” intervention is the only type of intervention. This type of intervention requires time and resources. It can be very effective in some cases. The anticipated end result is the addicted person in residential treatment. That’s great if that is the appropriate level of care needed, and in many cases, an addicted person can be helped in other ways. Inpatient, or residential drug or alcohol treatment is not the only alternative, and is not always necessary or indicated.

So to answer the question “should we do an intervention?” my answer is you already are, you are here, asking for help and guidance. Once the secret it out, the family is eager to know, what do we do next?  The plan is individual for every family. Some families have more influence than they realize, and can engage the addict with a focused conversation. That focused conversation is actually an intervention. The family coming to a therapist, counselor or recovery coach to ask for guidance is an intervention. Breaking the silence is the first step to stop enabling; to stop keeping the addict’s secret, to healing the family and creating an environment of healing that strengthens the family and invites the addict or alcoholic to participate in the new paradigm.

Can I help your family take the first step? You can email me at jerri@jerrishankler.com to set up a complimentary consultation.

We have three Puggles who live across the street and drive my dog Loki crazy. They are barkers and howlers (the Beagle part of the Puggle), and Loki just can’t resist answering. Loudly, intensely and bark for bark. He just can’t seem to help himself, and sometimes, he will respond to my shushing him, and sometimes not. Sometimes I have to stand right in front of him and interrupt him to focus on me, sometimes I have to drag him away from the window or door. That, by the way, is no small feat since he is 75 pounds of muscle, tense, agitated muscle when he is “puggling.”

Loki has some other more endearing qualities, like his job as a bed warmer (which I appreciate way more in the winter than the humid NJ summer). He jumps up and then circles a few times before plopping down right next to my legs with a big contented sigh. Here’s the really interesting part: if the Puggles start barking, the most he does is lift his head, look back at me, and then lays his head back down with another contented sigh. The dog owner sighs contentedly also. [Read more…]