Committment

October 27, 2009 by

Or sticking with it.  What holds you back from blogging, or writing or other goals?  Can you identify the obstacles? Once you identify the obstacles, do you feel free to move forward? Who can support you in your committment to change?

Whoops, I’m back. distractibility is one of my obstacles. When I sat down to write, I decided that I just had to try the hempseed milk I had made earlier and put in the fridge to chill.  For you addicts who are reading, no you can’t get high from it. Says right on the package, non-viable hulled hempseed. Oh yes, distractibility.

Perfectionism is another. Does that resonate for any of you? If the words don’t come perfectly in order, spelled, grammatically correct in the appropriate syntax, why bother? IRRATIONAL THOUGHT! Devil be gone! The great thing about writing is you can start by just putting down your ideas, then weaving them into a story. The final product can be edited and even redone. The trick is to know when it is edited enough, as a perfectionist can always find something the change to make it better. Balance, that is one way of dealing with perfectionism. Take risks, don’t take yourself so seriously. Know what need to be done perfectly, and what can be done to the best of your ability. Keep a sense of humor, being careful not to slip into sarcasm, which is thinly disguised anger. Be gentle. Be kind. Be firm but not harsh. Nourish yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Filed Under: perfectionism, self-care

starting over

October 27, 2009 by

Ack! Didn’t do so well with my last goal. However, a do-over is OK, and I start again, blogging daily.  

I stopped at my local all service printing/mailing center to drop off some packages.  While  chatting with the ower,  he mentioned that he and his wife were heading for their 45th anniversary.  On further thought, he mentioned that they had been dating for 3 years before they got married. He smiled and said “she was 16….she was hot.”  Then his smile broadened just a bit and he said she was still hot. Wow!   Maybe I should go back and find out what the secret is.

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As the season changes, the days get shorter and the weather cools. Well, got downright cold in NJ last week, cold enough to snow where I live.  It’s a good time to remember to take care of yourself.  Get enough sleep. Dress for the weather. Eat well. Of course, this one is a subject of debate.

There are some basics to think about that can have an impact of your health and more.

~ Buy locally when you can, organic if possible. This supports local farmers and economy and uses less resources.  Fresh from the farmer, at the farm or farmers markets really does taste different from fresh in the supermarket. 

~Eat seasonally. There is a rich fall bounty, and many of the foods are warming to warm you from the inside. Cooler weather brings to mind yummy soups and rich stews.

~Eat less meat and more vegetables.

~Whole grains are the “good” carbs. Not sure what whole grains are?  Ask a holistic nutritionist or someone who eats them.  My friend Kathy is a great resource: http://www.backtobasicwellness.com/

~Add probiotics to your diet. You can get these in supplements, but also in foods like yogurt, kefir and kombucha.  You can find kefir, a fermented daily drink in some grocery stores and in health food stores. Kombucha, a fermented tea drink, can also be found in health food stores, and a friend found it also in her local asian market.

When we feel better physically, we feel better emotionally. When we feel better emotionally, we feel better physically.

To your health!

Filed Under: health, nutrition, relationships, self-care

Creativity and Wellness

September 20, 2009 by

Getting back on track. Yes, it’s a process, not an event.  It is easy for me to get distracted with my creative pursuits. although I consider therapy and coaching art as well as science,  I do have other pursuits that are not related to my work at all. I hope that you do also. Something that you do that you are passionate about; something you already do or want to learn how to do.

I’m pretty far out of the loop, but I remember a time when nursing homes, substance abuse rehabs and other institutions had recreational therapists.  These activities kept residents busy, hopefully stimulated and could give them a sense of accomplishment. In the rehabs, addicts relearned or learned for the first time, how to use leisure time.

Many of us might laugh at the idea of leisure time. There is always something that needs to be done, somewhere to be, something to accomplish.  This is true to some degree. I wonder what happens when we allow ourselves some time everyday to be creative. Or maybe, just change how we look at some of our activities, seeing the creativity in them.  Taking pride the in the accomplishment, instead of just checking it off the to-do list.

So, what are you passionate about, or what would you like to be passionate about? Cooking? Reading? Writing? Pottery, woodworking or fiber art? Decorating or restoring? Try something new, and stimulate your brain. Refresh your skill doing something you haven’t done in a while. Continue doing what you have been doing all along and do it more often, and notice how much more energy you have, how much more patience, how much more enthusiasm you have for the more mundane tasks when you add some creative time into the schedule.

Filed Under: creativity, self-awareness

Why our health matters

September 16, 2009 by

I heard part on an interview with Dr. Andrew Weil today.   He has a new book, “Why Our Health Matters” and I am very much looking forward to reading it.  It’s been a while since I read any of his books, but I often see his articles and read them with interest.

Dr. Weil talked with Diane Rehm about his opinions about health care reform,  insurance, and most importantly, about learning to prevent disease.  I really liked that approach.  Making lifestyle changes does not insure we will never get sick, but can reduce the risks of many illnesses and diseases.

Just changing how we eat can make a big difference in our health. I am not a nutritionist, but I do know that if I eat certain foods,  I just don’t feel right. The better I eat, the better I feel.  I’ll bet you have had similar experiences. Dramatic and drastic changes in how we eat are not always easy, but there are simple and gradual changes that can have a signficant impact over time.  One suggestion is to avoid as much processed and fast food as possible. This is sometimes a challenge in our busy lifestyles, but can provide big rewards.

Think about taking a cooking class if you aren’t sure how to cook from “scratch”; it is often easier than you think, and you can learn shortcuts like preparing ahead so you always have better, healthy choices for meals and snacks.

Although I missed part of the show, I didn’t hear any mention of mental health, and it’s impact on our overall health.  From my chair, I see significant changes in overall health as clients learn to reduce stress, become mindful and develop a positive outlook . I’m not talking about faking happiness, but really learning to be happy, and accept to good and the bad with grace.

Filed Under: health, Mindfulness, nutrition, self-care

Experiment day two: Clearing for healing

September 14, 2009 by

I love what I do. I am absolutely passionate about my career choice. The focus is ever evolving, I am still in the helping/healing field, but I am not doing it the same way I was over 20 years ago.  I am fortunate also that I get so many gifts, spiritual gifts from my clients/patients.  They teach me a lot. In the beginning of my career, when I had little experience, my clients taught me how to help them.

When we get out of our own way, we are often the expert about ourselves. That’s not to say that we don’t need guidance, education and support, but we often know what needs to be fixed.  The support helps us recognize our strengths, so we have resources to fix what needs to be fixed, to become whole again, to live as a whole person, to live a whole and authenic life.

I decided that clearing my desk would be a good start to reducing the distractions so that I could focus on the blogging experiment. At least now I have a space to work, and that tipping over pile of mixed papers is now clearly into manageable piles. I know what is in each pile, and what needs to happen next with it. The junk mail is in the recycling basket.

Among the interesting items I found in the pile was this quote from a client: “So much of therapy is bringing a boat to those who are adrift.”  What a wise person, a wise young person. I can say that now that I am over 50. Who gives who the gifts?

Filed Under: emotional healing, self-awareness

Journaling for healing and the experiment

September 14, 2009 by

Ok so here’s the experiment. Blog for at least 15 minutes daily. After 21 days, I hope that the habit will be ingrained. Oh, you thought this was a challenge for you?  I believe that you could get a healing benefit from doing it, so much so, that I am taking the challenge myself.

What brought this on? Well, partly looking at the last update (hanging my head).  Partly was a very invigorating conversation with fellow weavers and spinners last night about blogging. One of the women asked how long I spend blogging every day. I started to laugh, then realized what a great question that was. I could continue to hang my head, or turn it around into a postive challenge. Hmmm, just the kind of thing I might suggest to you, in my professional capacity.

Journaling has been recommended as a healing tool for a long time. Sometimes, new journalers are intimidated and overwhelmed. They compare themselves, wondering if they are doing it “right”. I’m not sure that there is one right way to journal; the right way is the way that works for you.

Journaling can be words carefully penned in a beautifully bound blank book.  Journaling can be pictures, drawn, sketched or cut out from magazines, or favorite, meaninful photos or memorabilia. Or any combination of the above, or any of many creative mediums that you can imagine. Or blogging.

I remember a quote by Carol Christ, that our stories validate who we are. How powerful! It matters less if your story matters to others than if it matters to you.  Our stories include our private and public faces; personal and professional. Not all the details are appropriate in every venue, that’s about boundaries. The most important thing is that you tell you story, or you share your knowledge.

Take the challenge. Enjoy the process of healing. Journal well!

Filed Under: clearing clutter, creativity, emotional healing, journaling, self-awareness

Remaining teachable

July 6, 2009 by

Therapist uses herself as example of remaining teachable.   I have avoided buying a salad spinner until recently.  I couldn’t decide what size, or if I REALLY needed one, or if I had room in the kitchen. “Oh forget it!” I would think. Until the next time I passed the salad spinners in the kitchen store.   Being an avid fiber person, or should I say rabid, I also wondered if it would be better to get a salad spinner for my veggies and lettuce, or a larger one for spinning the water out of wool that I had dyed or yarn I had spun and then washed.

So here’s the lesson: Keep it simple.  I am sure you have heard that one. Stay focused. Remember your goal.

It’s summer now, and the shares from the community supported garden (CSG) I belong to includes lots of wonderful greens. Which got me thinking of the salad spinner again. And of all the paper towels I waste blotting my lettuce, and dripping tea towels when I use them instead. So I used my handy-dandy 20% off coupon, and after reading all the boxes and looking at and test spinning all the samples, purchased a the smallest model. Go figure, it turned out to be the perfect purchase!

I thought I blotted my lettuce very well, but the salad spinner really makes a difference. It is quick, easy to clean and saves paper towels and wet messes. Ahhhhhhh!  And I’m actually eating more salads and greens now, since I don’t dread the mess. Prep is a breeze.

Many of the things we do in life are metaphors for how we live our life. When we have successes, we often forget to apply the learning to other areas. Sometimes a seeminly small thing has larger implications. I don’t think that means we have to look for the lesson or learning in every single thing we do; rather, to just be open for the lesson when it comes from unexpected sources.

And eat more salad!

Filed Under: healthy habits, Mindfulness Tagged With: , ,

I couldn’t say it any better myself!

June 24, 2009 by

I am using this article with permission. I often tell clients that they teach people how to treat them.  I explain that by accepting someone else’s inappropriate behaviors, we reinforce that behavior.  Sometimes we don’t like to hear it, but knowing it can empower us to
grow, to effect change in relationships, and generally feel more at peace.

You Teach People How to Treat You
March 2nd, 2007 by Christine Kane
I was in Web Guy’s office a few weeks ago. He was having a moment of overwhelm about his client list. He talked about how some of his clients call on the weekends and late at night, and how many people don’t honor his schedule. He was frustrated and exhausted.

I allow people their moments of frustration in situations like this. So I listened. But seeing as how I also like to offer a more empowered perspective, I told him about a great thing I learned many years ago. It’s a fundamental truth that has served me (and those with whom I work and play) immensely. It is this:

You teach people how to treat you.

As soon as I said this, his eyes lit up. He couldn’t believe how simple it was. And the more we talked, the more excited he got. (I refrained from calling him “grasshopper.”)

The first time I ever heard this concept was when I saw Oprah in Raleigh, NC years ago. She presented this idea. Then she partnered it with another truth. She said (in that “Sistah!” way that she does when she’s being funny) “…and giiiiirl, when someone shows you who they are… bee-LEEVE them the FIRST TIME!” (She repeated this one a lot. She was talking about abusive relationships.)

So, what does it mean?

You teach people how to treat you means that it all comes back to you. It’s up to you to allow or not allow certain treatment. It also means that you have to first get clear about how you want to be treated. It means that you have to take responsibility enough to write your own owner’s manual. And you are accountable for living by your owner’s manual. For some of us, it may be the very first time we ever even gave this any thought.

(Remember that accountability and responsibility have nothing to do with blame. They are an entirely different energy and intent than blame. Blame seeks to shame and belittle. Responsibility seeks to un-victim you.)

There are lots of levels to this. For instance, when I began working with this idea, I spent time writing down basic guidelines, like, “I do not allow people to yell at me. I do not allow verbal abuse.” These days, I don’t need these kinds of guidelines because I’ve simply absorbed my own owner’s manual, and I don’t have to think about it. I’m very clear about who I am in almost every situation in my life. That has come from practicing this stuff and messing up a few times too! (And to add a little Law of Attraction note to the end of it — now, I no longer even attract some of these issues that used to be everywhere in my world!)

Bottom line: You teach people how to treat you means that you’re clear. And that you honor that clarity.

Teach People How to Treat You: The Four Steps

1 – Start by Knowing What You Want (and What You Don’t Want)

This a great writing exercise. Write what you want. Pick an area of your life where you feel like you’re not being treated well. Write down how you’d like to be treated. If you can’t think of what you want, then write about what you don’t want.

I typically don’t recommend focusing on what you don’t want. However, sometimes what you don’t want is a great starting point to clarity. For instance, when I first began to apply this work to my performance dates, I knew that I no longer wanted to stay in rooms or hotels that scared me. (You’d be amazed at how often promoters put musicians in the worst dives imaginable. I was teaching promoters how to treat me.) Several times, I had to ask the promoter of a show to move my hotel. Eventually, I made my contract rider very clear about what I wanted in a hotel room.

Depending on your situation, you’ll have some obvious beginning points. If you’ve been in abusive relationships, then start with “I do not allow people to abuse me.” If you’re tired of people wasting your time by calling you up to relate the latest office drama, you might write, “I don’t allow people to gossip in my presence.” For some of my readers, these ideas will be no-brainers. But you might be surprised at how many of us allow these kinds of interactions to occur in our lives.

If you’re like Web Guy and you’re learning to teach clients how to treat you, then start by writing a “Client Guide.” Write down exactly how you want your clients to deal with you. Then write some Company Guidelines to give to new clients before they pay you anything. Get clear at the start. As I wrote in Business Advice for Artists and Sensitive People, so many of us just hire people or take clients without any clarity. We just hope that the “connection” stays in tact.

2 – Learn from your Current Situation

Ask yourself how you’ve allowed certain behavior from others in your life. Take one situation where you’re tempted to see yourself as a victim, or where you feel mistreated. Ask yourself how you allowed this to happen. You’ll be amazed at how often you may have ignored your own needs or desires.

Often, this process lets you know where you get triggered or hooked. For instance, you might find yourself saying, “Well, he makes me feel guilty if I don’t do it his way!” Bingo. There’s your trigger. The guilt. Acknowledge that you still allowed it. Maybe you allowed it begrudgingly, but you allowed it so that you could avoid feeling guilty. Then, recognize that guilt is going to be something that makes you want to ignore your own owner’s manual. This is a valuable thing to know about yourself.

In my hotel room example, I recognized that I had allowed years of unacceptable treatment on the road because I had such a fear of making waves. In one scenario, when I told the promoter I wanted my hotel changed, she retorted, “Everyone stays there! No one has ever complained before!” And I could feel myself shrinking. “But all the kids are doing it!” has been a trigger for me. (So has, “You’re lucky to even have a gig!”) But because I had gotten clear that “I don’t stay in hotels that scare me,” I was able to honor my needs in that situation.

3 – Honor It and Practice It

Here’s the deal: This is a process, not an event.

There’s a learning curve to this. It’s not a one-time thing. It’s not just suddenly telling a client not to call after hours. When you’ve taught people how to treat you one way, it might take some time to change that pattern.

It might start with you letting a client know that you’ve set a new intent to spend more time with your children, and that you won’t be available for calls on the weekend. Maybe the client calls anyway. Maybe you get hooked in by the guilt. Then you feel awful afterwards, and you feel angry at that client. This just means that you need to get clear again. So, you let that client know again not to call on weekends, and that you’d like her to honor your request. You don’t have to get emotional about it. In fact, the less you get sucked in by your emotions, the better this works.

Note: Try not to communicate when you’re in a highly charged emotional state. When you’re in this state, you’re probably not teaching people how to treat you. You’re probably blaming them and making yourself into the victim. Wait until you get calm, then start at step #2 (”How did I allow this?”) and take the necessary course of action to right the situation.

Remember that this stuff takes practice and self-awareness. It is not a process of emotion. It’s a process of clarity. (And mastery!)

4 – Teach Yourself How to Treat You When That’s the Only Choice

Not everyone is going to honor your requests or your clarity. And sometimes it’s going to have to be you who treats you well. If we go back to my hotel room example, there have been times where contractually, I didn’t have much of an option in terms of getting a better hotel room. And so, I ended up paying for my own room and driving myself to a better hotel. “I don’t stay in hotel rooms that scare me” means that I don’t allow it. Period. If I don’t honor that, then I won’t feel safe with me. It has always made me happy and proud to get my own room when I needed to. You have to include yourself in this equation. If you’ve told your clients that you don’t take non-emergency calls on weekends, then you might not want to make business calls on weekends. This is how you learn to honor yourself.

And Now, for the Scary Part…

I wrote a post about taking risks a few weeks ago. Lots of times we think of taking risks, and we think about big ideas like moving to another city, starting a business, or leaving a bad relationship. But the longer I do this work, the more my risk-taking has become internal. Yes, there are big external material risks at times. (Every time I make a CD I’m taking a risk!) But these days, some of the internal risks are the scariest, because they call me to be true to myself and to honor my boundaries and my intentions. That’s where lots of us forget to stay in risk-taking mode.

The biggest risk involved in teaching people how to treat you is the risk that some of them might go away. Some friends might not call you anymore. Some clients might leave. In my situation, I might simply not get the performance date. You have to be willing to surrender those things that aren’t in alignment with how you want to be treated. They necessarily must go away. And the test is to let them.

One of the things that keeps you hanging on to them is a belief in lack. A belief that there’s not enough. There aren’t enough jobs, clients, gigs, men, women, whatever. And one of the best ways to find out that there are more than enough of these things is to be brave and selective, live by your values and standards, and watch what you do attract. You might be scared. But you won’t be disappointed.

Filed Under: relationships, risks, self-awareness Tagged With: ,

Empowerment through choice

April 23, 2009 by

It’s about choice. Especially when it comes to mental health care. We have become captives of our health plans, thinking that we can only choose from within the network. On the medical side, there are more choices, but not always when you get to specialists. On the mental health side, it gets even more complicated, which is a shame, since most folks seeking therapy, at least initially, are especially fragile and vulnerable.

To be an empowered consumer, you need to be informed. Know your benefits. If you aren’t sure, then call your insurance carrier, and ask questions. Some information you need know:

What is my coverage for mental health, inpatient and outpatient? Does this include family therapy?

What is my coverage for substance abuse and alcoholism treatment, inpatient and outpatient?

What level of therapist is covered: psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, licensed professional counselor, addictions counselor?

How many sessions per year? Is there a lifetime maximum?

How are biologically based diagnoses covered?

Do I have out of network services to cover a therapist who is not in your network?

What is my deductible for in-network services? Out of network services?

What are my co-pays for in-network services? Out of network services? If it is a percentage, what does that translate into in dollars out of my pocket?

Do the sessions have to be pre-certified or pre-authorized? If so, how do I get more sessions authorized?

 

Some very good therapists are in the networks. Not all therapist are in all networks.  Some are not in any network. It is not easy to pick a therapist. You have more choices than to have to pick a name from a list. Many people prefer to go to someone who has been recommended to them by a friend, co-worker or family member. That therapist may not be in your network, but may be the best fit for you. That’s about choice, and about empowerment. And sometimes, we need to pay a little extra for the choices and empowerment.  It is almost always worth it.

Filed Under: health, Therapy and counseling

Energy and more

April 16, 2009 by

There is so much to learn out there; it’s exciting but can be overwhelming also. How does one choose ?  Certainly, intuitively or serendipitously make sense when talking about energy. Oh, I’m not talking about the kind you literally get from plugging into an electrical outlet or filling your car with gas. I’m talking about connecting with the energy all around us, the energy field. Whether you believe or not, it is out there.

I have a stack of books, read and to be read, by wonderful authors that deal with energy on every level: intuition, energy medicine, energy healing, Reiki, meditation, mindfulness, positive psychology and yoga, by authors like Judith Orloff; Daniel Amen; Daniel Goleman; Jon Kabat-Zinn and Rick Jarrow.  The message overlaps in a many of these, but as a friend of mine once said, you can’t repeat a good thing enough.

I embrace these, not perfectly, but consistantly. I want to pass the good news on, and recommend books, and talk about ideas and concepts with my clients, friends and family.  So, when Daniel Amen’s newsletter came in my email today, I read it with interest. He also introduced Judith Orloff’s new book, Emotional Freedom. Dr. Orloff is a psychiatrist and medical intuitive;  I met her at the Kripalu center several years ago, and participated in her workshop being a medicial intuitive. And like many of the seminars and workshops we take, if we don’t actively do anything with the information, after about 2 weeks, that initial enthusiasm starts to fade away.

So serendipitously, she is back in my life, and since I am totally addicted to books, I will be ordering Emotional Freedom, and maybe the audio version for the car.  I hope it is not violation to post this link on my blog, since I am still new to blogging, but I came across this while seaching for the best deal on the audiobook:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oyap0KBouP0&feature=channel_page

The question of absorbing other people’s energy, espeically negative energy comes up frequently in my practice. It is something that I am acutly aware of myself, and talk with my clients about. The simplest way we discuss it is talking about boundaries. Although the energy word doesn’t always come up, depending on the client, or the friend I am talking to, it is inherent in learning to establish boundaries; that is, the way we let others know how we wish to be treated. It’s how we present ourselves, what we project to others, and how we allow other to treat us. It’s being assertive, while being mindful and compassionate.

My blog is one way I hope to introduce this to others; to inform, to inspire. I am delighted to announce that I will begin offering “To Your Health Saturday Seminars” beginning in May at my office in Pine Brook, NJ.  To find out more, contact me at jerri.shankler AT gmail.com.  Insert @ for the AT when you type in the email address.

To Your Health!

Filed Under: EFT, energy, energy psychology, hypnosis, tapping, Uncategorized
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